Monday, October 27, 2008

{Ranch Wife 202}

I got the following in an email from a long time family friend of the Lockers.

Good Morning Ladies,
Henry thought of each of you when he read this article.
So he really does know just how bad he really is. I have been telling him for years that I have a halo. Ya'll have a good week.


Here is the article in all of it's glory...

The following is an upper-classman study for the ranch wife who has graduated from Ranch Wife 101 and is in the golden years of her tenure at the ranch.

It's simple and it's predictable when he says:

"There is nothing in this house to eat."

That suggests that the aluminum foil covering the very many dishes in the refrigerator left from yesterday's branding are making them invisible. The same foil will not have that affect if covering a pie or cake on the counter.

"I'll get that heavy box for you -- just give me a minute."

This comes with the same flexible time span as his;

"We'll be right back."

"We're going to have a good calf crop this year. You should go with me and look at them, they're so cute now."

Translated -- Bring those little hands of yours, we likely have some calves to pull after last night's 4-foot snow.

"You're really getting to be a good hand horseback. You deserve a better horse now."

Dead giveaway for his plan to buy a new horse that he's eyed and then promote you to something he's already worn out.

"You can always see what is going wrong with my roping. Would you come out to the arena with me and help me figure it out?"

A master at subterfuge, he is saying the neighbor that he was counting on to run the chute has canceled out.

"Since you're going to town anyway to get supplies for the cattle working, would you pick something up for me?"

Certifiably, this list will require possibly two pages of a Big Chief tablet and will include something large and covered with grease, going by the bank to sign a heart-stopping bank note, vaccines that must be kept cold and beer with the same requirement, a couple of new ropes of a particular lay which every store in town will not have, and a widget, for which he has forgotten the correct name, from the NAPA store.

"How much do we have in the checking account?"

This is not actually an inquiry of the current financial status, but has two possible translations.

1. He's found something he cannot exist without and has already written a check for it and is looking for a good way to let you know the account is likely already overdrawn.

2. You are backed in the roping box, focused on some earned R & R, but he is tired of heeling for you and is wrangling a way to go do something he'd rather do.

"What did you do with my ... ."

Fill in the blank here. This could be anything from the D-9 Cat used to push brush to a small gizmo fix-it for the roping chute.

In reality, it indicates he has misplaced something and would like help finding it. In any event, absolutely the only answer you can give is that you never saw whatever it is in your entire life.

"I'll eat some of that if it would make you feel better."

Sometimes his efforts made you feel so good, it required making another, whatever it was, to feed the company it was intended for in the first place and who are arriving within the hour.

"Did you open or shut all those gates when you moved the cattle to the back pasture this morning?"

This usually comes right after you have gotten to bed at the end of a long, long day.

The guarantee is that it will make you lay awake all night and question yourself.

It will also reveal that after the first 100 years of marriage, he still thinks you don't have enough sense to do things right and actually thinks you would admit to it if you didn't.

I have been told there is a measurable amount of dignity in silence. I am still working on that dignity thing.


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